Feelings

I decided to google “girlfriend learns to play league of legends” and I found a few other accounts of girls who were trying to do exactly what I’m doing. And the most common piece of advice they received was: stop. You’ll never learn on  your own/not learn well enough and you’ll rob him of the ‘joy’ of teaching you.

That was pretty discouraging to read but…I know my boyfriend and I really don’t think he would enjoy teaching me from the ground up. Scratch that, from the subterranean basement up. Maybe he would for a day, but after that the novelty would wear off and it would become frustrating for him and he’d never have time anymore to play on his own. I think he will still have the opportunity to teach me things even once I do surprise him because he will still be better than me obviously.

And honestly, no one has ever found ‘joy’ in teaching me anything; I am such a slow learner and often learn in different ways than the majority of people. For example, when I was learning to rock climb, I couldn’t understand how to belay until I watched someone and decided that it looked like someone milking a cow. Apparently it’s nothing like milking a cow, but once I had that image in my head I instantly knew how to do it. No one else could understand A) how on earth it could possibly look like that, or B) why I couldn’t understand the many instructions given to me by the staff when everyone else could just fine.

So yeah, I honestly feel like not putting him (or myself) through that is doing him a favour. But I hadn’t considered before that this might actually make him angry. I really hope he’s not.

I also read comments like, “As if being a tomboy would make him like you more” and “I don’t think playing games with him would make him like you in the ways you hope”. I don’t really know what to say to that.

I will say that I am starting to question why I’m doing this. Am I doing it because I genuinely want to make him happy, or because I want to gain his respect? Am I doing this just so I can share something with him, or to prove that I can do anything he can do? And even if I am doing it for the latter reasons, is that even a bad thing?

I’m also starting to feel intimidated because I’m realizing just how good my boyfriend really is. I obviously knew he was good and I’ve watched him play before and I’ve commented about a billion times how I could never do what he does and remember all the things that he does about the game. But I guess it’s sinking in now just what that means.

And yes, I already knew I would never be as good as him, and didn’t really want to be, because in order to get to that level I’d have to spend every minute of my free time on it the way he does, and did even more so before he met me. But I’m not even going to get close, and that makes me feel like this is all going to mean nothing to him in the end.

I know it’s just a game, but all of this is feeding into all of my deepest insecurities: I have no talents, I’m not smart enough, or at least he’s smarter than me and he knows it, no matter how hard I try he will always be smarter than me and better than me at anything with little to no effort on his part, even things I’ve spent my whole life trying to be better at like reading and writing.

However, I’m trying to stay positive, because when I’m not thinking about that stuff I’m actually having fun. I’m trying to remember that I do have skills, they are just different from his and sometimes not always tangible or useful. For example, I am a good public speaker and I am good at putting my feelings into words. I’m good at planning things in advance and I have a good memory. (Sometimes I think that the only reason he can’t remember anything is because all his memory capacity is taken up by LOL stuff.) Those are things that I do all the time that I don’t have to try especially hard at, whereas he struggles with those things.

In terms of LOL, he likes to play the jungler role, which I’ve been reading is the most difficult and only serves to make me more intimidated. But when I remind myself that I’m doing this for him, it bothers me much less. It’s not going to be helpful to him if I just do the exact same things he does. It’s more valuable if I learn how to play other roles and other types of champions so that maybe we can play together, without him having to sacrifice his favourite things about the game.

I’d still like to be able to use melee champions since I learned those are the kind he likes to play and do the things he does, because I do think he’d respect me more if I did. But maybe that’s not essential.

As for him personally, I worry that I’ve actually been keeping him down. I’ve thought I’ve been good for him and his life is so much better now that he doesn’t have to spend all his time playing games just to feel okay. And while that might be true, maybe if he hadn’t met me he would have continued doing that, would have spent every cent he’s ever spent on me on a new computer and equipment instead, and would have a promising budding career doing something he loves.

All this time I’ve felt like I’ve been helping him get his life together and figure out what he really wants to do with his life, but maybe he already had a plan before I came along and screwed it all up.

I’m making a concentrated effort to be more supportive though, and this project is one of the ways that I’m doing that.

A friend of mine cautioned me against doing this as well, saying that I should be spending time on my own interests and hobbies, and that he might be upset that I’m inserting myself into “his thing” that maybe he wants to keep for himself.

But I feel like I’m allowed to have diverse interests, and like I said I genuinely am having fun. And then again, I also saw a few people online saying how sweet an idea like this was and “why aren’t you my wife?” and so on. You never know how someone will feel .

And there was this comment:

I had the same idea for my boyfriend. I bought my LOL playing boyfriend a Dignitas team jersey and created my own account and learned to play. Yes it does take a while to get use to playing but you don’t have to be good to surprise and impress him! You putting in the effort to play a game he enjoys so much is going to be worth more then the fact of if you’re good or not. I started about a month before I wanted to surprise him. I’m one of those people that just suck at video games. To learn the game I asked one of his friends to help me. He would explain to me so different strategies and tactics and I would practice on the training levels. I would also watch my boyfriend play and ask questions and take mental notes of what his is doing. He loved the fact that I would watch and show interest in his game. When the time came I watch him and practiced enough that I would actually get some kills and not die all the time I showed him. I can tell you how excited he was. The fact that you are putting your time and effort into learning something he loves will make him the happiest man in the world. And maybe you will like to play the game after you learn. I found I rather enjoy playing and now I’m level 15 and rising. We also have little gaming sessions and has really brought a different level to our relationship. So good luck!

Yes. That is exactly how I’m hoping he will feel.

TL;DR I have a lot of doubts and insecurities, but I’m going ahead with the plan anyway. I just wanted to get my feelings out there.


P.S. Some people were saying that getting to level 30 takes way too long to keep it a secret. Now I’m wondering – do I have to get all the way to level 30 before he’ll be impressed? I was never planning on that. I just wanted to be able to Not Die. But should I make that my new goal?

Then again, I have given myself almost 6 months. I don’t know what kind of timelines these other people are working with. So maybe I should just see how it goes and reevaluate in a couple of months.

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2 thoughts on “Feelings

  1. Wow, I saw the post your boyfriend made on reddit and started reading your blog, I think it’s really good. It’s an interesting read and I’m really enjoying it. I hit the part where you were talking about not being good at anything and just wanted to say that you’re most definitely good at writing blogs

    Like

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