Ok, brace yourself because this is going to be a bit of a ranty one. I’ll save the worst for last, but you’ve been warned.

I have almost nothing positive to say about this week. The only things I can think of are that the majority of my PvP games met my goal (even though they were all mediocre), and I learned something new about an item that is in my item set for Anivia. It’s a hextech item, and I forget the name but it’s a weapon you can actually use. It has a long cooldown but it does decent damage and secured me a couple more kills than I would have otherwise. Just gotta remember to actually use it.

Other than that, EVERYTHING WAS TERRIBLE. Honestly, it got to a point where I didn’t even want to play anymore; I was just doing it because this is the last week.

First up is Ahri. Still not getting any better with her, like at all. And it’s just so discouraging and has made playing her not fun. I struggled with Anivia and Lux a lot in the beginning, but after several games I did improve, and now I can do well with them at least half the time. It’s still not great, but it’s something. With Ahri, nothing is changing. I keep having the same problems over and over again. As soon as she gets hit with one ability, she basically dies instantly, and I have no idea how to play defensively when two of her abilities are mid-ranged. My only thought is to buy different items for her than is usually recommended – items that give her more health, armor, and magic resistance.

I don’t know, it’s just really such a letdown because I had to save up IP for weeks for her, and I wish I had spent that IP on another champion I might enjoy more.

That said, though, I think that if I ever do get the hang of her I will really like her and find playing her very rewarding. Maybe my boyfriend can teach me how to suck less.

All of this frustration came to a head when I decided to play a bot game on the other map that is offered, Twisted Treeline. I had never played it before, but I thought that it was basically the exact same just laid out differently and with 3 players instead of 5. And I mean, yeah, but also, no.

It’s not like it’s hard or anything, I just did absolutely no research on it beforehand, so I got into the game and immediately was like, “…Oh shit. What the fuck.” I realized that I had no idea where I was expected to be positioned because there were only 2 lanes, I didn’t think there was a jungle, and there were these altars in the middle that kept being ‘locked’. And I was also playing Ahri!! Way to go.

So anyway, the point is that I spent the entire game confused AF and dying a million times, and because of me it took more than half an hour to win. Luckily my teammates were fairly nice about it (in that they mostly ignored me). At one point, one of them asked me what level I was, and I elected not to answer because I couldn’t bear to tell them, “I’m level 30, I just suck.” I would rather that they think that they got matched with a lower level player because that is the only circumstance in which my performance would be acceptable.

EVEN THOUGH I had never played that map before, I should have A) known better than to not research it, and B) been able to figure it out once I got there and done passably well, because I’m level 30 for fuck’s sake.

I did look it up afterwards and I know a bit more about it now, but still not enough, and also I’m slightly traumatized so yeah, it’s going to be a while before I do that again.

So part of my bad mood came from my own performance, and the other part came from the behaviour of other people.

 

First, someone banned the champion I declared intent for (Sona – as a result of that and the other team banning her, I didn’t get to play her at all this week), and I just said, “dude,” in chat because I wasn’t sure who it was, and I hoped it was an honest mistake (I mean, I’ve done that before. As we know.). And it did turn out to be an honest mistake and they apologized, but a couple of other team members were coming for them on my behalf before that, which I thought was quite nice.

Later, someone said I can’t land a stun to save my life while I was playing as Morgana, and they sort of had a good point but they could have been nicer about it/not said anything at all, and they neglected to mention that they themselves were absolutely terrible at following up my Qs that I did land with their own attacks, which is the whole point of it.

But yes, I’m actually pretty good at landing skill shots when I’m trying (the majority of

the champions I play are reliant on them), but I have a tendency to NOT try all that hard sometimes because to be quite honest I don’t care that much…like I want to win but I also don’t care if we lose. I’m not invested in this game the way that a lot of other players are. And I actually think that’s the better mindset to have, but it shouldn’t lead to me not trying my best every single time – that’s not fair to the rest of my team. I also panic easily, and when that happens I just randomly shoot things anywhere and everywhere and/or freeze like a deer caught in the headlights. I will try to work on both of those things!

Another thing that happened that had nothing to do with me but left a sour taste in my mouth nonetheless – in one game, our jungler forgot to pick the Smite spell in champion select, and they said so as soon as we got into the game. They apologized and said they would focus on helping the lanes. And it appeared that no one cared at that point.

However, as soon as we started losing, guess whose fault it was all of a sudden! That person’s! And people started calling them an idiot, etc. even though they KNEW that it wasn’t on purpose (and also, even if it was, be nice).

And I was like, you fake-ass bitches! Ready to turn around on anybody as soon as things start going south, never wanting to look in the mirror. It got worse when I was matched with one of the same players in my next game. They started off by saying to our jungler something like, “Oh good you took smite, the jungler in my last game didn’t take it he was such an idiot,” and such things. And I was like !!!!! You know full well that is not what happened!!!

But I didn’t say anything. Not in the original game and not in the second one either. And I felt bad about it. Staying quiet is often one of my strengths because it means I don’t get involved in drama and focus on the game, but if I am able to stick up for someone else who needs it, shouldn’t I say something if I can? One of the reasons why I’m hesitant is because I feel like my words carry very little weight because I myself am often a weak link, and I also feel like it would turn into criticism of me. But neither of those things affect the morality of the situation.

And even if my words meant nothing to those doing the criticizing, they would likely mean something to the person being criticized. ESPECIALLY if they are much more invested in the game than I am. I mean, I get really upset when people say mean things to me, and as discussed, I don’t even care that much. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have this game be your life and have people attack you.

Kind of makes me understand why maybe my boyfriend might not want to stream…it would open him up to all kinds of hate from commenters, but it would also mean that any hate he got in a game would be broadcast to the world, and if it were me I would feel embarrassed about that, even though I know that I shouldn’t. He has a thick skin but I also sometimes think that it’s not as thick as I think it is and he just puts on that front because he feels like he has to in order to balance me, an Emotional Wreck, out. But maybe that’s just me trying to feel better about myself.

Anyway, I’m going to try to be more conscious of that in the future as well and use what little power I have for good.

And now for the cherry on top of the disaster that was this week. And oh, is it ever infuriating. I don’t often get ANGRY in games (sad and exasperated yes, angry no), but in this one I did, even though I didn’t show it.

I was assigned mid for only the second (and last) time this week, and I was excited to make the most of it. I wanted to play Lux, who I haven’t played in weeks, it feels like (even though that is probably not true).

In champion select, our jungler had first pick, and they for some reason chose Lulu. This would be questionable on its own, but it was even shittier because our support player had already declared intent for Lulu. So that was just straight-up mean, and a couple of people called them out on it (they did not respond).

But I figured that the game would probably go fine, and that they chose Lulu because they are crazy-amazing at her and wanted to show that off by playing her in an unusual role.

And then they decided that they didn’t want to be the jungler! Instead, they decided to play mid. AKA my role. Someone said, “2 mid??” but they didn’t respond, and I didn’t say anything because I hoped that they were just there to kill some minions and then would be on their way. But they were not on their way, and I figured it would be easier for me to move than try to convince them to, so I asked my team, “do you guys want me in another lane?” but no one responded. So I just shared mid with this person for the whole game.

Obviously, this meant that we were both underleveled at first, because we were sharing the same amount of gold and experience I normally would have gotten all by myself, and they weren’t playing Lulu as a support. But they quickly caught up to everyone else by stealing all my kills! There were at least two instances where I totally had it, but they just had to get the last shot in despite not helping at all prior to that. But I didn’t say anything because it was clear to me by this point that this person was either trolling or an asshole, and there is no point in arguing with either of those types of people. They also went out of their way to get all of the last hits on minions.

So I was severely underleveled and as a result, sucked hard for the entire game. I never caught up. I also felt bad for the opposing team, especially their mid-laner who probably thought we were doing it on purpose and that it wasn’t fair.

And I hoped that the rest of my team would stand up for me – I mean, even if they couldn’t see the kill-stealing, they could clearly see that they were in my lane when they shouldn’t have been and what they did in champion select. But they didn’t, because the thing is that this player was really good. They were so talented! And in the end they won us the game. And I guess in some people’s minds this excuses bad behaviour, but not in mine (and not just because I was the most injured party).

I could of course be wrong, but the vibe I got from this player was that they wanted to be the star and show off how great they were, and they didn’t care how they did it and who they stepped on in the process. They had no regard for my player experience or time, and no respect for our support.

So I reported them and tried to explain that situation as best as I could, but I’m trying to make myself feel better by thinking about non-malicious reasons why this could have happened. There were just too many things for it to have been all accidents, and they weren’t a new player so they clearly understood how the game usually works. Maybe they have a poor understanding of social conventions for whatever reason, and this happens to them in many of their games, but they don’t suffer repercussions because people give them a pass due to their talent and therefore have never learned. I know that’s a stretch, but…I’m hoping.

Games played: 16

% of PvP games that meet goal: 70%

Hours: 9

Champions played: Ashe, Ahri, Soraka, Morgana, Lux, Anivia

Death snack of the day: Oreos