I said that I would never propose to anyone because I want that for myself and I want to know for sure that the other person wanted it – and that is still true; I’m not going to do that. But I also think that it would be such a shame if that meant that I couldn’t perform any grand romantic gestures, because that is something I excel at. And also, if I’m asking for that from you, then shouldn’t you get one too? Just because I’m not the one sealing the deal doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to show you how much I love you and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
If you remember, I said that I’d known what I was getting you for our anniversary since January. That’s because I’ve spent the past 6 months working on it. There are two things that you basically eat, sleep and breathe – I’m one of them, and I think you know what the other one is. For Christmas, one of the things I got you was that silent mouse, which you ended up taking the wrong way and you said that I sort of make you feel bad about it sometimes, which was heartbreaking to hear because all I want to do in life anymore is make you happy and support you and spend time with you. So I knew that I had to do better.
I asked you to teach me to play once, but I knew that would be a ton of work for you and probably not much fun. Like, that would take so long and would be time you’d probably rather spend playing yourself, if anything. And it would feel like I was taking something from you rather than giving you something. So instead, I taught myself. I thought, if I’m going to ask you to speak my language then I should learn how to speak yours, too, even if it’s hard and doesn’t come naturally to me at all. But I also didn’t want to shut you out of the whole process completely. I still wanted to share it with you somehow, so I created this blog chronicling my journey over the past 6 months. You can read about all of the highs and the lows, if you want to. I also compiled some highlights for you.
I knew, going into this, that I would never be as good as you are, and once I understood the scores, I would sometimes look at your scores that you left up on your laptop and just be like, “How are numbers like that even possible??” even now. But, hopefully, that’s not the point…I may not be especially talented, but I’m competent and more or less fluent. I thought it might still be nice if you and I could have actual conversations about the game and maybe play together sometimes, even though you would probably be face palming the entire time. And just in case you’re sad that you didn’t get to have the experience of teaching me, don’t worry, I still have plenty to learn.
I didn’t tell many people about this, but I did tell Charlotte, who said that you might see it as me kind of taking something from you that was only yours….I hope you don’t see it that way and I just feel like I have to say that that’s not my intention at all. I just wanted to get to know you better and share something with you that is obviously very special to you.
I’m sorry that I kept this a secret from you for so long; know that it definitely was not easy (whether you realize it or not, I slipped up several times) and I felt bad about it all the time. But this wouldn’t exactly have worked if I hadn’t.
Very early on in this process, I had the following revelation:
As for him personally, I worry that I’ve actually been keeping him down. I’ve thought I’ve been good for him and his life is so much better now that he doesn’t have to spend all his time playing games just to feel okay. And while that might be true, maybe if he hadn’t met me he would have continued doing that, would have spent every cent he’s ever spent on me on a new computer and equipment instead, and would have a promising budding career doing something he loves.
All this time I’ve felt like I’ve been helping him get his life together and figure out what he really wants to do with his life, but maybe he already had a plan before I came along and screwed it all up.
And I hope that this and what is to follow will show you that I really do want to support you in anything you want to do. And whatever that is, I want to be a part of it in whatever way I can, and I’m willing to put in the work to make that happen. Otherwise it just feels like distance is being created between us. Maybe my support doesn’t always look the way that your support does, but it’s there. Always and forever.
I can’t undo any damage that’s been done already; I can’t rewind time to avoid any setbacks. But I can do my best to give you everything you’ve ever given me. I know I never will – you save me a little bit every single day just by balancing out my many flaws with your goodness. I’ve never been more aware of my flaws while in this relationship, but I’ve also never been so accepting of them. Of course you have your flaws too like anyone does, and it took me a while to reconcile with them, but ultimately, you really are a cinnamon roll, too pure for this world. Any flaws you may have are a result of trying to survive and be happy in a world that seeks to break cinnamon rolls into a thousand pieces*. You don’t need me to balance you out. But this, this I can give you. Or at least, I can help.
Happy anniversary babe, I hope you’re not mad at me ❤